Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, – Eph 5:25 NASB95
We husbands must continually woo our wives.
It’s our nature as men to conquer and then move on. We wooed our fair damsel, fought the dragons, won her, and got her to the altar. We told her we loved her and were committed to her for life. Check. Next challenge, Sir Galahad.
Women, unfortunately, don’t work that way. Here’s her world: Imagine that you have started a business as an industrial contractor. Your real love and skills are in IT and communications, but you can also do electrical and plumbing work and whatever else is needed. The plant manager for a large local industry, Rocky, approaches you. “We’ve been watching you, and think you are a great fit for us. We can keep you busy so you will never need another customer.”
You are excited and bank everything on Rocky and his industry. Initially, there’s lots of daily interaction with Rocky, and a great deal of IT work. There are also lots of plumbing needs, which you are glad to do because you love the IT and communications work you are getting. You are so happy. Over time, however, the amount of daily interactions decreases, along with the IT and communications work. Other contractors are getting a lot of this kind of work from Rocky, and your impression is that the only time Rocky wants you is for plumbing, which seems to be quite frequent. Even though Rocky told you in the past that you were secure and he would take care of you, Rocky’s actions make you feel insecure, and you live under that cloud. Not only your relationship, but your whole world is… Rocky. Those of us in the business world know that feeling in our gut when we feel insecure about a customer or client. Ugh.
This is the playground that our wife lives on. “Yet your desire will be for your husband.” Emotionally, she banked everything on her relationship with you, and as a primarily relationship / feeling-driven creature, her world revolves around you in the same way the earth depends on the sun. She needs to feel the daily pull of the sun. She needs you to interact with her, to daily assure her (with words) that she is secure, to give her (with action) that communication work she loves, and to make her more than a personal plumbing contractor.
The amazing thing is that what she needs from us is not large things; she wants a lot of little things that say, “I thought about you” or “I was thinking about you.” Post-it note on the bathroom mirror – 1 point. Trip to Paris – 1.5 points. Touch her, hold her hand, look at her when she is talking, open the door for her. Hold her without it being the first step toward the bedroom. Pretend that you are not married and you are trying to get her to the altar. Think back to your dating world and how you schemed and thought about how you could get more time with her. (“From now on, let those who have wives live as though they were not married.”) Also, as a man, you can satisfy your hunter-gatherer nature by making it a sport. Proverbs says that doing wisdom is a sport to a man of understanding. Put the time and effort into it.
Here’s the obvious nugget of gold: if you do, your wife and your relationship with her will come to life.
Here’s the hidden pearl: your heart and your love and affection for her (yes, her!) will also come to life, and your joy for her will be rekindled. The land where “it is always winter and never Christmas” will thaw and spring will come. Jesus Himself tells us how to rekindle a cold love relationship: “You have wandered off from the love you had at first”, he says. “Therefore remember the joy and excitement of that love that you lost, and get your head back in the game. Go back and do the things that you did at first when you were crazy about her. Then watch that heart of yours warm up again.” Have we gotten lazy in our relationship with our wife? Sloppy? It’s not an extra mile, it’s an extra 6 inches.
Now let’s tie this back into our theme verse. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” As our model, how does Christ love people and win their hearts? He woos them. He could force, coerce, and command obedience. But he doesn’t. He woos His bride with grace. “The kindness of God leads us to repentance.” This reminds us of the Aesop fable about the contest between the sun and the wind, who were arguing about which was more powerful. They spotted a man wearing a coat walking on the side of the road and decided that whichever could get the coat off the man was the more powerful. The wind went first and blew and blew. But the more the wind blew, the more tightly the man held onto his coat. The sun, by contrast, came out from behind the clouds, warmed the man, and he removed the coat.
Sometimes I wonder if life and creation are somehow a contest between God and the “rulers and the authorities in the heavenly places” to answer the question, “Will wooing with grace triumph over compulsion with law to win the hearts and obedience of wandering and independent rebels?”
Experience the joy of Jesus – join Him in wooing your bride today and every day.
Notes:
“Yet your desire shall be for your husband.” Gen 3:16
“From now on, let those who have wives live as though they were not married.” – my paraphrase of 1 Cor 7:29. This is a horrible, out-of-context application of this verse, but I couldn’t resist the grin of using it here.
“Doing wickedness is like sport to a fool, And so is wisdom to a man of understanding.” – Pro 10:23 NASB95
“It is winter in Narnia,” said Mr. Tumnus, “and has been for ever so long…. always winter, but never Christmas.” From C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
“You have wandered off from the love you had at first…” This is my paraphrase of Rev 2:4-5: “But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first; or else I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place–unless you repent.”
“Rulers and authorities in the heavenly places” – Eph 3:10.